are you so shy because you have an std?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
