Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
