You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
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