life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
