You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
