The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
