just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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