My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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