Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize