If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize
