I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
