Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
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