i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
