Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
We need a shit load of segways right now
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
