Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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