So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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