Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
