the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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