The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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