I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
