yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
