I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
