I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
