I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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