he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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