Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
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