Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize