You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
