I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
