Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
