I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
