You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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