Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
