Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
