So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
