She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
