i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
