she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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