1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Randomize
