weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize