I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
