Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
