Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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