Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
