I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
