the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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