According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
