New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
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