I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
only you would photoshop your dick
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
