So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
