high people should be assigned attendants
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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