you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
