well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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