Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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