You can't motorboat a personality
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
