Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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